Guide to Cultivating Fabulous Friendships!

A good friend is a connection to life - a tie to the past, a road to the future, the key to sanity in a totally insane world. - Lois Wys

Few people would dispute the benefits of friendship. Friendship cannot be created once. It must be created over and over again. People and priorities change. What worked yesterday may not work today. We must nurture our friendships so they may flourish with us through our changing lives, and that’s where this guide comes in. The problem seems to be how to fit our friends into an already overcrowded life.

Choose friends wisely. Focus your energy on people who make you feel good.
We all know the saying, “you can’t choose your family”. So, make sure you’re smart and choose friends who are worthy of your valuable time and attention. It sounds harsh, but you cannot keep every friend you have ever made. No one has the time and energy for that. If you don’t consciously choose which relationships to focus on, you’ll spread yourself too thin and you’ll have less to give to those who deserve it most.

Do not be fooled by glamour and street cred. A person’s behavior is much more important than their words or how they represent themselves. Surround yourself with people who reflect the person you want to be. Choose friends you are proud to know, people you admire, who love and respect you. People who make your day a little sunnier, simply by being in it.

Make time. Prioritize Relationships.
If you have to really think about the last time you were in contact with a friend, then it was too long ago. Life can run at a crazy pace. We may think of people, then something comes up and we never call them. The month ends, another comes along, and again that call is never made. This is how relationships peter out. It starts to feel easier to walk away than struggle back through the neglect.

Don’t fall into the habit of thinking I’ll “try and find the time”. It’s a cop-out. You cannot find time. You make time. Every day you decide where to put your attention, and those activities will in turn create your day, your week and eventually your life. Be mindful of where you focus your time and energy. Does this match your values and how you want your life to be? There’s no use saying “my family and friends are the most important thing” if you work 80 hours a week and never see them. Be conscious of how you spend your time and choose to prioritize the people in your life.

The easiest way to make time for friends is to organize future gatherings while you are all together. Make time for that first meeting, and then work out the timing of the next one. That way you’ll manage to regularly see each other and there is less stress all round. The reality is most of our relationships need work. Make the time to send an email or give a quick phone call to show your friends they matter. Otherwise how will they know?

Treat others how you want to be treated.
This is one of the first lessons my mother taught me, and it is probably the most important. You may have heard of the law of attraction, which states that what we project to the world will be sent right back to us. This means you must decide what qualities are important to you, because you cannot receive what you do not give.

Personally, I don’t think you can go past honesty, loyalty and integrity as a foundation for choosing friends. Be considerate. Don’t make plans you won’t keep. Be a safe haven for your friends, someone they can rely on. What qualities rank highly for you? Do you just want some laughs every now and then, or people who will be there for you when life throws you a curve ball?

Have fun. Share rituals. Laugh Often.
Any long term relationship, friendships included, can fall into a rut. Take the time to have fun, maybe do the activities you loved when you were young. If life isn’t fun, then what’s the point? Misery shared is still… well, misery. Focus on joy and laughter and your friendships will stay a positive presence in your life.

Hold onto rituals. They connect you with your friends and your youth. Shared memories help define our life and how we see ourselves. Don’t throw them away just because they’re getting harder to manage. The key is to negotiate. Maybe you used to have weekly poker games, but now you have three kids, so what do you do? Have the poker games once a month, and let your partner also have a night out to re-connect with their friends. You’ll both benefit.

Accept people the way they are. Suspend judgment.
Some people are good with phone calls, others are not. Some people always know the right thing to say, others seem to have a knack for getting it all wrong. The key with managing friendships and reducing conflict is to accept people the way they are. We all have different strengths and weaknesses. Fighting your friends’ natural personality is a losing battle. We cannot control other people, and frankly, we have no right to try. The sooner we accept this, the easier all our relationships become.

Respect boundaries.
Don’t criticize your friend’s partner, children, parenting style or family. This is always a no, no. We may all like to rant about our loved ones, but we do not want to hear anyone else do it. This is a golden rule. Stencil it on your forehead if you must.

There will be disagreements. Stay calm. Don’t make mountains out of molehills.
Drama is a part of life, but we don’t have to wallow in it. Things happen, ugly words can be exchanged. This is the nature of human relationships. Before you react to a hurtful situation with a friend, always stop and breathe. Try not to react in anger. Express your feelings honestly, but calmly. I’m not saying that it’s easy, but it is the best way to minimize conflict and angst in life. And bottling up feelings doesn’t help either. They just fester and we stay angry and are unable to move on.

Accept that friendships change and sometimes end.
Although I’ve had the majority of my friendships since I was a teenager, there are times in life when people change enough as to have nothing in common anymore. Sometimes this is temporary, other times it’s not. Either way, the best thing you can do when a relationship falters is to let it go. That doesn’t mean immediately deciding not to see each other anymore. Letting go means choosing to see the friendship as it is now, and releasing the need for it to be something else. Relationships have an energy of their own. They can ebb and flow. Sometimes you’re not quite clicking, other times you are. Petering out friendships can be very stressful, but change is a part of life and relationships which do end can still be treasured for what they brought before. They don’t have to be a mistake. And every time a gap appears, life will usually move in to fill it. Maybe this will be in the form of a new friend, or a even better relationship with yourself. Keep an open mind and an open heart, and wait and see

Treat yourself with kindness and respect, and others will do the same.
This is probably the most important point. You cannot be a friend to others, if you are not a friend to yourself. Have you ever noticed that some people are taken advantage of by everyone. They attract users and frauds like honey. This is not a coincidence. If you want other people to treat you with respect, then you need to be the first person in line to respect yourself. Being a good friend does not mean being a doormat. The kinder you are to yourself the happier you will be. The happier you are, the more you have to give to others. It is one big merry-go-round of happiness. Join the ride.

10 Deadly Sins of Negative Thinking

10 Deadly Sins of Negative Thinking

The way to overcome negative thoughts and destructive emotions is to develop opposing, positive emotions that are stronger and more powerful.” - Dalai Lama

Life could be so much better for many people, if they would just spot their negative thinking habits and replace them with positive ones.

Negative thinking, in all its many-splendored forms, has a way of creeping into conversations and our thinking without our noticing them. The key to success, in my humble opinion, is learning to spot these thoughts and squash them like little bugs. Then replace them with positive ones. You’ll notice a huge difference in everything you do.

Let’s take a look at 10 common ways that negative thinking emerges — get good at spotting these patterns, and practice replacing them with positive thinking patterns. It has made all the difference in the world for me.

10 Deadly Sins of Negative Thinking

1. I will be happy once I have _____ (or once I earn X).

Problem: If you think you can’t be happy until you reach a certain point, or until you reach a certain income, or have a certain type of house or car or computer setup, you’ll never be happy. That elusive goal is always just out of reach. Once we reach those goals, we are not satisfied — we want more.

Solution: Learn to be happy with what you have, where you are, and who you are, right at this moment. Happiness doesn’t have to be some state that we want to get to eventually — it can be found right now. Learn to count your blessings, and see the positive in your situation. This might sound simplistic, but it works.
2. I wish I were as ____ as (a celebrity, friend, co-worker).

Problem: We’ll never be as pretty, as talented, as rich, as sculpted, as cool, as everyone else. There will always be someone better, if you look hard enough. Therefore, if we compare ourselves to others like this, we will always pale, and will always fail, and will always feel bad about ourselves. This is no way to be happy.

Solution: Stop comparing yourself to others, and look instead at yourself — what are your strengths, your accomplishments, your successes, however small? What do you love about yourself? Learn to love who you are, right now, not who you want to become. There is good in each of us, love in each of us, and a wonderful human spirit in every one of us.

3. Seeing others becoming successful makes me jealous and resentful.

Problem: First, this assumes that only a small number of people can be successful. In truth, many, many people can be successful — in different ways.

Solution: Learn to admire the success of others, and learn from it, and be happy for them, by empathizing with them and understanding what it must be like to be them. And then turn away from them, and look at yourself — you can be successful too, in whatever you choose to do. And even more, you already are successful. Look not at those above you in the social ladder, but those below you — there are always millions of people worse off than you, people who couldn’t even read this article or afford a computer. In that light, you are a huge success.

4. I am a miserable failure — I can’t seem to do anything right.

Problem: Everyone is a failure, if you look at it in certain ways. Everyone has failed, many times, at different things. I have certainly failed so many times I cannot count them — and I continue to fail, daily. However, looking at your failures as failures only makes you feel bad about yourself. By thinking in this way, we will have a negative self-image and never move on from here.

Solution: See your successes and ignore your failures. Look back on your life, in the last month, or year, or 5 years. And try to remember your successes. If you have trouble with this, start documenting them — keep a success journal, either in a notebook or online. Document your success each day, or each week. When you look back at what you’ve accomplished, over a year, you will be amazed. It’s an incredibly positive feeling.

5. I’m going to beat so-and-so no matter what — I’m better than him. And there’s no way I’ll help him succeed — he might beat me.

Problem: Competitiveness assumes that there is a small amount of gold to be had, and I need to get it before he does. It makes us into greedy, back-stabbing, hurtful people. We try to claw our way over people to get to success, because of our competitive feelings. For example, if a blogger wants to have more subscribers than another blogger, he may never link to or mention that other blogger. However, who is to say that my subscribers can’t also be yours? People can read and subscribe to more than one blog.

Solution: Learn to see success as something that can be shared, and learn that if we help each other out, we can each have a better chance to be successful. Two people working towards a common goal are better than two people trying to beat each other up to get to that goal. There is more than enough success to go around. Learn to think in terms of abundance rather than scarcity.

6. Dammit! Why do these bad things always happen to me?

Problem: Bad things happen to everybody. If we dwell on them, they will frustrate us and bring us down.

Solution: See bad things as a part of the ebb and flow of life. Suffering is a part of the human condition — but it passes. All pain goes away, eventually. Meanwhile, don’t let it hold you back. Don’t dwell on bad things, but look forward towards something good in your future. And learn to take the bad things in stride, and learn from them. Bad things are actually opportunities to grow and learn and get stronger, in disguise.

7. You can’t do anything right! Why can’t you be like ____ ?

Problem: This can be said to your child or your subordinate or your sibling. The problem? Comparing two people, first of all, is always a fallacy. People are different, with different ways of doing things, different strengths and weaknesses, different human characteristics. If we were all the same, we’d be robots. Second, saying negative things like this to another person never helps the situation. It might make you feel better, and more powerful, but in truth, it hurts your relationship, it will actually make you feel negative, and it will certainly make the other person feel negative and more likely to continue negative behavior. Everyone loses.

Solution: Take the mistakes or bad behavior of others as an opportunity to teach. Show them how to do something. Second, praise them for their positive behavior, and encourage their success. Last, and most important, love them for who they are, and celebrate their differences.

8. Your work sucks. It’s super lame. You are a moron and I hope you never reproduce.

Problem: I’ve actually gotten this comment before. It feels wonderful. However, let’s look at it not from the perspective of the person receiving this kind of comment but from the perspective of the person giving it. How does saying something negative like this help you? I guess it might feel good to vent if you feel like your time has been wasted. But really, how much of your time has been wasted? A few minutes? And whose fault is that? The bloggers or yours? In truth, making negative comments just keeps you in a negative mindset. It’s also not a good way to make friends.

Solution: Learn to offer constructive solutions, first of all. Instead of telling someone their blog sucks, or that a post is lame, offer some specific suggestions for improvement. Help them get better. If you are going to take the time to make a comment, make it worth your time. Second, learn to interact with people in a more positive way — it makes others feel good and it makes you feel better about yourself. And you can make some great friends this way. That’s a good thing.

9. Insulting People Back

Problem: If someone insults you or angers you in some way, insulting them back and continuing your anger only transfers their problem to you. This person was probably having a bad day (or a bad year) and took it out on you for some reason. If you reciprocate, you are now having a bad day too. His problem has become yours. Not only that, but the cycle of insults can get worse and worse until it results in violence or other negative consequences — for both of you.

Solution: Let the insults or negative comments of others slide off you like Teflon. Don’t let their problem become yours. In fact, try to understand their problem more — why would someone say something like that? What problems are they going through? Having a little empathy for someone not only makes you understand that their comment is not about you, but it can make you feel and act in a positive manner towards them — and make you feel better about yourself in the process.

10. I don’t think I can do this — I don’t have enough discipline. Maybe some other time.

Problem: If you don’t think you can do something, you probably won’t. Especially for the big stuff. Discipline has nothing to do with it — motivation and focus has everything to do with it. And if you put stuff off for “some other time”, you’ll never get it done. Negative thinking like this inhibits us from accomplishing anything.

Solution: Turn your thinking around: you can do this! You don’t need discipline. Find ways to make yourself a success at your goal. If you fail, learn from your mistakes, and try again. Instead of putting a goal off for later, start now. And focus on one goal at a time, putting all of your energy into it, and getting as much help from others as you can. You can really move mountains if you start with positive thinking.

ABOUT THE FEAR OF SPEAKING IN PUBLIC

ABOUT THE FEAR OF SPEAKING IN PUBLIC

FACT 1:

You are not the only one in fear of speaking in public. Survey

results show that about 99.9% of adults suffered from fear of

speaking in public.

FACT 2:

Limited amount of audience fright is useful. When you notice

your pulse beating faster, don’t panic. If this physical reaction

is held within limits, you will be capable of thinking faster,

talking more fluently with greater intensity, because your body

then is more alert than under normal circumstances.

FACT 3:

World’s greatest speakers could never completely lose all

audience fright. It is always present just before they speak and

persists through the first few sentences.

FACT 4:

The main reason for your fear of Public speaking is simply that

you are not accustomed to speak in public. The solution is only

one, Practice.

DEVELOPING CONFIDENCE

Strike a deathblow to fear. Because fear defeats more people

than any other thing in the world. This topic will help you from

dying again and again before the real death comes. If you are

living, live a fuller life. Do not live a life wherein in every step

you face a small death out of fear and feeling of inferiority.

Follow the suggestions and be a stronger person, one you want

to admire and respect. Fear can be overcome by confidence

and confidence can be gained by

KNOWLEDGE: What, When, Where, Why, Whom, How

EXPERIENCE: You get when you don’t get what you want. It

comes from PRACTICE. Utilize every opportunity to practice.

No one can learn to speak in public without speaking in public

again and again, just like the truth that you cannot learn to

swim without getting into the water. This is exactly the reason

why you will be asked to speak in front of the audience in

every session of this course.

OVERCOME THE FEAR - PRACTICE YOU NEED

PHYSICAL: Your Posture, Gestures, Body Language, Facial

Expressions, Voice, Tone, Breathing, Matter and Contents,

Examples and Experiences you share, your Speech Structuring.

MENTAL: What happens inside you. Your (+ve or –ve)

Thoughts, Feelings, Beliefs, Nervous Energy, Focus.

OVERCOME STAGE FRIGHT AND NERVOUSNESS

Act like three-year young kids. This will bring you out of your

inhibitions for good. You will rediscover yourself. To feel

nervous is actually nervous energy. If controlled, directed and

properly channelized it is a strength and vigor – Your Strength

an asset for you. If it is not properly controlled and directed it

is a weakness – a liability.

BASICS RULES OF PUBLIC SPEAKING

In this session you will be exposed to basic rules of public

speaking. Once you adhere to these rules you can never fail in

a public situation. In fact skill in speaking in public, develops

the enthusiasm to speak in public. And through enthusiasm one

good performance lifts your attitude up. You will develop your

own style of public speaking as you give one performance after

another. But without basic track on methods that first good

performance is not possible. This session will give you those

fundamental rules, which would steer you towards the very

important first good performance. Thereafter you improve your

own style adding your own individual characteristics in

yourself?

1. HUMANISE YOUR TALK

Remember no one wants to be lectured to. No one enjoys that.

Hence, follow the human interest suggestion and talk to your

audience connecting the subject matter to a human being you

know. For instance if you want to tell the audience ‘how to

succeed’ and go on telling them some rules, they may not pay

any attention to you. But on the other hand if you tell the story

of two persons, one who succeeded and another who failed,

your audience will gladly listen to it, remember it and possibly

profit by it. Never tell your audience cold facts or principles.

2. PERSONALISE YOUR TALK

The richest source of such human-interest material is your own

background. Do not hesitate to tell your audience about your

experiences because of some strange feeling that you should

not talk about yourself. The only time an audience objects to

hearing a person talk about himself is when he does it in an

offensive, egotistical way. Otherwise the audience is

tremendously interested in personal stories that speakers tell

them. This is the surest means of getting attention. Whenever

possible personalize your talk. Another reason of personalizing

is that about anything concerning yourself. You are the

authority, hence you will deliver, a more confident talk about

your own experience than a second hand experience.

3. LOOK INSIDE YOURSELF FOR TOPICS

As a beginner public speaker, the best way to get a topic,

which would provide all necessary power, i.e. reserve power,

confidence and authenticity, is to talk about any interesting

incident that perhaps happened in your childhood in your small

village. Talk from your heart, not from a book.

4. RESTRICT YOUR SUBJECT TO FIT THE TIME AT YOUR

DISPOSAL

Decide on the number of points you can clearly establish in a

given time. Do not attempt to tell the history of watch making

to tell the time. Be crisp, brief and clear.

5. ARRANGE YOUR IDEAS IN SEQUENCE

The process of your talk, for example, should begin at the raw

material stage then move through the various manufacturing

steps that produce the finished product.

6. NUMBER YOUR POINTS AS YOU MAKE THEM

The simplest way to keep a talk crisp in the minds of your

listeners is to mention plainly as you go along that you are

taking up first one point then another.

7. GIVE EXAMPLE IF NECESSARY

Sometimes you will find yourself searching for words to make

your points clear. Try to compare your point with an example,

which is familiar to your audience.

8. PAINT YOUR POINT AS A PICTURE

As you clarify your point the audience should be able to

visualize a picture in their minds. Let them see a picture as you

describe. Our ear impression alone is hard to retain. But eye

impression retains longer.

9. CONVINCE YOURSELF FIRST

When the purpose of our talk is to convince, it is necessary to

set forth our own ideas with the inner glow that comes from

sincere conviction. We must first be convinced before we

attempt to convince others.

10. SPEAK WITH CONTAGIOUS ENTHUSIASM

When your aim is to convince, remember it is more productive

to stir emotions than to arouse thoughts. Feelings are more

powerful than cold ideas. To arouse feelings one must be

intensely earnest. Your spirit shining through your eyes,

radiating through your voice and proclaiming itself through

your manner, will communicate itself to your audience. You

have to reveal to your audience how deeply you yourself

believe in what you say.

12. SHOW RESPECT AND AFFECTION FOR YOUR

AUDIENCE

Every human being has an inner sense of worth, of importance,

of dignity. Wound that feeling-you have lost that person

forever. When you love and respect a person you build him up,

and accordingly he loves and respects you.

13. BEGIN IN A FRIENDLY WAY

Since pride is such a fundamentally explosive characteristic of

human nature, wouldn’t it be wise to get a man’s pride working

for you instead of against you? Almost everyday of your life

you are talking to people who differ from you on some subject

under discussion. Aren’t you constantly trying to win people to

your way of thinking, at home, in the office, in social situations

of all kinds? How do you improve your methods? By beginning

in a friendly way.

14. WAIT! WAIT! WAIT!

· Do not be in a hurry to start your talk as you face the

audience.

· Stand on both your legs.

· Pause and do a brief Audience Survey by giving them a

BIG SMILE.

· Relax! and focus on your breathing. Do not force or strain

on your voice.

· Mind your Body Language.

· Never start your talk with an apology and never be

apologetic in your talk.

· Do not speak when you are tired. Take a pause.

· On completion of your talk don’t be in hurry to go. SMILE,

receive acknowledge and then leave.

· Delivering your presentations effectively involves using a

proven four-step process:

15. Plan, Prepare, Practice, and Present.

PRESENTATION GUIDELINES

1. Plan

Ø Describe your audience.(Who,Why,What,When,Whom,How).

Their Knowledge, Experience, Needs, Goals.

Ø Define the purpose of your talk based on the outcome you

seek with your audience.

Ø (Who,Why,What,When,Whom,How). The talk is to Inform,

Persuade, Motivate to action, Sell, Teach, Train.

2. Prepare

Ø Establish a positive Mind-Set. You must Value your message.

Visualize yourself succeeding. Visualize your audience

responding. Give yourself pep talks. Feel positive about your

talk.

Ø Prepare an attention-getting Opening

¨ Use a question related to audience need.

¨ Pay a sincere compliment.

¨ Relate a relevant incident. (from your own experience)

¨ Arouse Curiosity.

¨ Illustration, Diagram, Facts & Figures.

¨ Story, Poem, Quotation, or Humour.

Ø Illustrate and support Key Points with evidence and visuals.

Use Statistics, Analogies, Demonstrations, Testimonials,

Incidents, Exhibits

Ø Prepare a memorable Close

¨ Dramatize your ideas.

¨ Throw down a challenge.

¨ Use a motivating statement.

¨ Restate the key benefit.

¨ Deliver a convincing summary.

3. Practice

Ø Build your confidence and effectiveness by establishing for

yourself.

¨ Why you have earned the right to deliver this talk.

¨ Why you are excited about the subject.

¨ Why you are eager to share with your audience.

Ø Practice your presentation and review your visuals for

Clarity, Relevancy, Eye-appeal, Visibility, Quality,

Memorability

Ø Practice your presentation before an audience, coach, video

camera, mirror, family members. Receive feedback and

coaching on Strong opening, Clarity in key points, Logical

flow, Credible evidence.

Ø Also receive feedback and coaching on Memorable close,

Clarity of message, Identifying distracting mannerisms,

Results achieved

4. Present

Ø Make a Positive First Impression

¨ Establish eye-contact and SMILE.

¨ Display poised, confident body language. Stand Erect

without any support.

¨ Be relaxed.

¨ Be well groomed.

Ø Build rapport with the audience

¨ Be sincere.

¨ Be yourself.

¨ Say “we” not “you.”

¨ Talk in terms of your audience’s interest.

¨ Involve your audience.

Ø Hold the attention of the audience:

¨ Be enthusiastic.

¨ Use vivid words and Emphasize key words.

¨ Express yourself clearly and concisely.

¨ Tell a story.

¨ Have an upbeat voice. Don’t be monotonous, use voice

modulation.

¨ Have proper body animation. Gestures, Eye-contact.

¨ Vary your Tone.

Ø Strive for continuous improvement:

¨ Measure the success of your talk.

¨ Identify the strengths as well as areas to improve.

¨ Decide how you will improve the next talk.

Remember the following 11 points, which would

guide you to successful public speaking.

1. Talk about something that you earn the right to talk about

through your own experience.

2. Talk about something you are excited about.

3. Talk about something you are eager to tell your audience about.

4. Make brief notes of interesting things you want to mention.

5. Don’t write out your talks.

6. Don’t memorize the talk word for word.

7. Fill your talk with illustrations and examples.

8. Know ten times as much about your subject as you use.

9. Rehearse your talk by conversing with your friends.

10. Don’t worry about delivery.

11. Don’t imitate others, be yourself.

SOME MORE TIPS MAKING AND PRESENTING A SPEECH

1. Find out as much about your audience as you can.

The more you get a feel for them in advance the easier it will

be to talk to them. Equally, it will help you write your

presentation as you will know what they want to hear.

2. Have a message.

Work out what your key message will be, before you start

producing your presentation. Ideally your key message should

invite the audience to take some action or to think differently in

some way.

3. Text first, slides last.

Write the outline of your talk, before you start producing any

slides. Otherwise, you will get bogged down with slide design

and multimedia tricks, which will rob you of the time you need

to get the 'script' right.

4. Remember the 3Es.

Look through your notes and find things that need emphasis,

explanation or which could entertain the audience. These are

where you will need slides. (The concept is known as the 'three

E's of slide making.)

5. Practice your presentation thoroughly.

Don't just run it through 'in your head', but say it out loud,

even walking about and preferably in the room that you will

use for your presentation. You will feel much more comfortable

and less nervous when you come to do it for real.

6. Know your material

If you know your material you will be more convincing to your

audience AND you will feel less nervous.

7. Practice your breathing

Breath deeply using your abdominal muscles to draw in as

much air as possible. Such deep breathing will help reduce your

nerves and make you sound better.

8. Try to make lots of eye contact

Whenever possible make lots and lots of eye contact with your

audience. They will warm to you and you will get lots of

positive feedback, helping reduce your nerves.

9. Get some exercise

A brisk walk, or a swim, in the couple of hours before your

presentation will change your body chemistry and make you

less nervous.

10. Chew a mint

If you chew mints before your presentation you will be less

nervous. It helps reduce adrenaline and also helps prevent dry

mouth.

Remember, Public Speaking is like flying an aeroplane,

you first need to ground your self before take off. Then

have a smooth and flawless take off, steer through the

winds – clouds, with all the risks involved, with a very

clear destination. When you see your destination you

need to again have a smooth and gradual landing and

again grounding yourself.